Transport: The Bane Of London

Living in London is, for the most part, fantastic. There are loads of great food places, a plethora of amazing shops and markets and the culture is diverse and there is always something going on. But in order to get to one of London's many attractions you must get there using its transport which is, for the most part, terrible. Let me sum it up for you:

Loud Phone Call Takers: 

Commuting through London often means we are privy to our fellow passengers' dinner plans or other futile information. Most annoyingly, we may have to endure Loud Linda's phone conversation and the tale of 'that thing what happened last Friday' as it reverberates through the whole carriage. Texting comes in handy for things which should be kept private: namely, lovers tiffs. Unfortunately not many bunny boilers understand this. If you're squashed so close to a person that you can count their eyelashes, then you should probably reconsider leaving a cold voice mail to your partner. We don't need to know that you've left their dishes by the sink because you're just SICK of cleaning up all the time! 

Even Louder Eaters 

They are the obnoxious passengers who lurch over their smelly chicken and scoff it down pure caveman style. I want to make one thing abundantly clear: food has no way of mobility, it's not going to run off therefore you don't need to woolf it down! When I come across a culprit of this appetite repressing crime, I often wonder if they intend to woo a someone with their (awful) table manners during a date. Quite frankly it would be enough to make me projectile vomit my chicken wrap across Nandos.

Smelly People

Not much needs to be said for these soap dodgers. You'll know when it happens to you. You're minding your own business on the central line, playing flappy bird perhaps, when all of a sudden the smell of week old BO wafts up your nose. I'm pretty liberal when it comes to self expression but I stand my ground when it comes to personal hygiene- it is NOT acceptable to smell like an armpit.

Space Invaders

You know the ones, they squash you against the window, hog the arm rest and don't even say thank you. For the rest of the journey you feel as though they're part of you like some sort of rude, arsehole-ish joint twin. Similar to these spatially obtuse commuters are the people who savagely compress themselves into the tiniest space on an already over packed train. If this ever happens to you I suggest that you hug said space invader and whisper  that you love to be close to them...

Leery Men 

Ladies, we've all been there. You're on your way to meet a friend for a girly lunch and you've decided to doll up a bit. All of a sudden you begin to regret catching this bus/train because some guy is looking at you the way you'd look at a pair of 70% off Jeffrey Campbell shoes. Violently lusting after shoes is fine because they are objects, but leering at women to such an extent that she is made feel uncomfortable is plain wrong. Instead of sitting there desperately avoiding eye contact with this looser, come up with a delightful quip to make him ashamed of his behaviour. See the @everydaysexism twitter account for inspo.